Good Advice!

Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin -

(Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites)

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.  If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merlene, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Laura Jo Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, Perky, Becky Sue, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here.  Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-  it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't EVER put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit, Chicago , and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,  and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.  None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).  You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . Minus your ass.

Clearly this last is the most important!
h/t Gay Patriot Bruce

Posted by: caltechgirl at 07:26 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Gnarly!

Not only do these guys sound pretty good, they have a cool name and awesome taste in costumery:

Gnarls Barkley at the MTV Music Awards

You know, when I was a kid, I always thought Darth Vader would be black under the mask....
h/t Dean

Posted by: caltechgirl at 10:34 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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This is pretty accurate....

You Are 56% Lady

You're part lady, part modern woman. Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly.

from slightly less lady-like Deb

Posted by: caltechgirl at 09:31 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Storm Warning

There's nothing else to say, except this:

Justin Williams (left) and Eric Staal know the Stanley Cup is theirs after Williams scored into an empty net to give Carolina a 3-1 lead. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

"It's just surreal," said Rod Brind'Amour, the Hurricanes' 35-year-old captain, after winning his first Stanley Cup in his 16th NHL season. (Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

Posted by: caltechgirl at 10:11 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Irony of the day

Lifted wholesale from Insty:

AL GORE WON'T ENDORSE JOE LIEBERMAN. Comment: "I guess Lieberman would have been good enough to run the government if something bad happened to Gore. But he's not obviously the best qualified to be the junior senator from Connecticut, even though he had the same job when Gore tapped him in 2000."

Wow.  Either being POTUS has lower requirements than I thought, or Algore has just reinvented the internet...  Who needs Algore anyway?  I love Joe, and I'd vote for him in a heartbeat!

Posted by: caltechgirl at 12:33 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Cluck off, Chickie!

Last week, the Dixie Chicks ruffled a few feathers when singer Natalie Maines dismissed her ENTIRE fan base, saying,

"I'd rather have a smaller following of really cool people who get it, who will grow with us as we grow and are fans for life, than people that have us in their five-disc changer with Reba McEntire and Toby Keith," she told Time. "We don't want those kinds of fans. They limit what you can do."

This week, she's back, and served up her other foot for another tasty meal:

"The entire country may disagree with me, but I don't understand the necessity for patriotism," Maines resumes, through gritted teeth. "Why do you have to be a patriot? About what? This land is our land? Why? You can like where you live and like your life, but as for loving the whole country… I don't see why people care about patriotism."--emphasis mine, ed.

No wonder the Clucks are having a hard time selling out arenas in places like Memphis, Indianapolis, and Fresno.  Yeah, their album debuted at #1, but anyone in the biz will tell you that album sales mean nothing to the artist.  They make all of their money touring.  Cancelling concerts is bad  news on the pocketbook.  Especially the new Louis Vuitton ones, right, Natalie?

All the snark aside, I'd like to remind Ms. Maines and her colleagues that the SINGLE, ONLY, UNIQUE, UNITARY, etc. reason that she has this soapbox, that she's made all the money in her bank account, that she can fly to France or the UK whenever she wants and spout off about this country is that she is a CITIZEN OF THE US.

Don't love your country, Natalie, it's ok.   Really, The rest of us could give a shit.  But don't tell us we're stupid for caring.  Don't tell us that you like your life and then spit in the face of those people who have died or sacrificed much so that you can live the way you do.

Why should people care about patriotism, Natalie?  Well, because patriotism created this country, it sacrificed to preserve out way of life, and continues to do so over and over again every day.  Patriotism is why you can stand on your soapbox and denounce the President.  Patriotism is why you speak English, not German or Japanese.  Patriotism provides you with the security to go about your business and raise your children as you see fit.

The truth is, see, that in the long run, it is the patriot whose contributions will matter.  The small effort of each individual to preserve and prolong the grand experiment in democracy started more than 200 years ago by another group of patriots whose motives were questioned by ignorant fools like you.  Your contributions, your songs, your rabble rousing, your chicken feet tatoos; they'll all be gone with the proverbial wind.  But this country, and the patriots who protect her, will still be here.

What was the most popular song/singer of 1776?  You don't know?  Well, in 2206 I can assure you the same answer will be spoken in response to "Who were the Dixie Chicks?"

Posted by: caltechgirl at 10:05 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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Pretty Much, Yeah.

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to!

h/t alien-prone Jen

Posted by: caltechgirl at 09:44 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Some people may think it's really because they didn't believe him.....

Why God never received a PhD:

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

h/t Lisa

Posted by: caltechgirl at 08:34 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I'd Rather Not

Seems Old Dan has finally gotten the boot at CBS....

CBS executives have decided there is no future role at the network for Dan Rather, making it certain that the man who sat in the anchor chair for 24 years will depart by this fall.

h/t OTB

Posted by: caltechgirl at 11:17 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Experience Bij!*

Way too many links to Klingon Language Sites from Harvey.

* Bij is the Klingon word for pain

Posted by: caltechgirl at 11:08 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Weird

So yesterday was a BP day for me.  As in HIGH BP.

-- Talking about this bullsh*t

--F*cking Dodger game next Friday is sold out in 2 days

--F*cking Hurricanes lose in OT

--Goddamn pissy bastard at Wal-Mart trying to tell me that the garden center is closed 45 seconds after the storewide announcement: "The Garden Center will be closing in 5 minutes."(presumably at 9pm)   THEN he shows me his watch and says, "See??  It's 9:01".  My response: "That's not my problem.  Get the person who makes the PA announcements to set her clock forward".  His manager told him to ring me up and the 3 ladies behind me who also wanted to leave from the garden center.  His response?  "But I never got my break".  Whiny asshole.

--I had this dream last night where something happened, and DH knew what it was, but I was prevented from seeing it by him (not a bad thing, though), and no one would tell me what was going on.  I kept asking, and no one would answer me.  The last thing I remember is punching Ben in the face repeatedly for smirking, talking to other people, and not answering me.  I also remember considering jumping up on the coffee table and firing a gun into the ceiling to get people's attention.  Then I woke up with fists clenched and really pissed off.  Ask my DH.  He thought I was gonna punch him.

Moral of the story?  Don't F*ck with Wendy Testaburger.

Posted by: caltechgirl at 09:54 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Happy Birthday!

To the coolest dude I know:

The one who taught me to swing a hammer, drive, hit a baseball, barbecue,  properly prune a rosebush, mow the lawn, diagnose a troublesome noise in the car, always use Yellow Power Bait, and vote Republican.

And also the one who taught me to be considerate of others, gracious in accepting gifts, respectful of my elders, to love my God and my country, see the best in other people, love my family and friends fiercely, and always do my best.

Not to mention to have fun, be careful and ALWAYS hold on tight.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Posted by: caltechgirl at 12:39 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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Tonight, Tonight

The Hurricanes could win it all tonight, and drink from Lord Stanley's cup!

At home.  In the best arena in the NHL, in front of the best fans in the league.

Ok, I'm a little biased, but the truth of the matter is that every game night, 18,000 southerners fill an arena built on what used to be a cow pasture in the middle of nowhere to watch hockey.  On ice.  A sport that would otherwise be anathema to them.

Let's go 'Canes!

Posted by: caltechgirl at 11:47 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Update to yesterday

Yesterday actually ended up pretty good.  I got some business taken care of, I had a good meeting with my boss, traffic was decent, and I got new seat covers for my car.

Any of you with leather seats (not by my choice, this was the car they had on the lot with the other features I wanted) will understand that summer + leather seats = ouch.  The old sheepskin seat cover had seen better days, so we went to Target last night and replaced it.  Yay!

Then my hubby took me out to dinner   What a nice guy.

Posted by: caltechgirl at 10:46 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Spin it!

Two headlines, same story:

1) "Bush May Meet Vow To Halve The Deficit Three Years Early" --Investors Business Daily

2) "Bush Deficit Reduction Plan Falls Off-Schedule." -- Guess who (acc. to Insty, but I can't find the headline anywhere on their site anymore)

Posted by: caltechgirl at 02:57 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Now hear this!

Most of you probably have seen this story about the ring tone that supposedly only teens can hear.

It's an ultra-high frequency tone, around 17-18 kHz, and most adults lose the ability to distinguish such tones as we age and the hair cells in our inner ears are damaged, either from getting older, or excess exposure to loud noises, including music.  Teens, however, should be able to hear it just fine...

As can most dogs and cats....

Anyway, Steve-O has the link here.  Turn up the volume and click the player.  I can hear it just fine, thanks, as annoying as it is.

Trust me, any of the little f*ckers show up in my class with that, I will own their cell phone for the rest of the day.

Posted by: caltechgirl at 02:46 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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I'm dreaming of a white Fitzmas.....

A holiday that will never be...

Suck it, conspiracy moonbats, Rove didn't break the law, and hence WILL NOT BE CHARGED in the CIA leak case.

Why on earth would the President want to bury good news about Rove under his trip to Baghdad?


The day just keeps getting better.

Posted by: caltechgirl at 02:36 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask...

About the ladies of the Cotillion!

Check out 30 things about each of these brilliant ladies, as compiled by Cassandra

Posted by: caltechgirl at 02:24 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Damn Good Day!

I woke up to hear that dookie Golden Boy and probably 1st-round NBA pick JJ Redick was busted for DWI (that's driving while impaired for all you non- Tar Heels) at 1am last night.  Evidently Mr. Smartypants thought he could make an illegal U-turn to avoid a DUI checkpoint.  Yeah, nothing like calling attention to yourself, right, Star-Boy?

Then, I got to work, checked the news and heard that President Ballsy Bush made a surprise trip to Baghdad, where he visited briefly with troops in the Green Zone and met with the new Iraqi cabinet.

Also, we're having a potluck for lunch and I have a long meeting that gets me out of sitting in my office.  Yay!

Posted by: caltechgirl at 09:30 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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We could use a cat like that here, too

After the recent rash of local bear-in-swimming-pool stories, I bet some people would be happy to have Jack the Tabby around:

A black bear got more than it bargained for after straying into a family garden in the US state of New Jersey.

The unwelcome intruder was forced up a tree - twice - by the family pet, a tabby cat called Jack.

The terrified bear was only able to make its escape when owner Donna Dickey called the hissing cat into the house.

Go get 'em kitty cat!

Posted by: caltechgirl at 02:23 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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