Happy Birthday to former CA blogger Xrlq!

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After an extensive amount of down time, beefing up their security after the great MuNu DDOS in June, the JAWAS have returned!

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Since she announced it, I can post it, I guess.

Jen (and Beau) are pregnant! YAY! Due date some time near Valentine's Day.


Congratulations are also in order for Brandon of Brandon's Puppy. His mom Amanda is going to give him a baby brother or sister sometime towards the end of February!

What is this with bloggers and winter babies?  Drake, Babylove, and Valerie are all snowflake babies.  Huh.  In fact, the boys even have the same birthday, just a year apart.

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Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin -

(Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites)

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.  If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merlene, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Laura Jo Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, Perky, Becky Sue, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here.  Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-  it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't EVER put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit, Chicago , and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,  and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.  None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).  You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . Minus your ass.

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Not only do these guys sound pretty good, they have a cool name and awesome taste in costumery:

You know, when I was a kid, I always thought Darth Vader would be black under the mask....
h/t Dean

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You Are 56% Lady

You're part lady, part modern woman. Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly.

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Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to!

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Why God never received a PhD:

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

h/t Lisa

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Seems Old Dan has finally gotten the boot at CBS....

CBS executives have decided there is no future role at the network for Dan Rather, making it certain that the man who sat in the anchor chair for 24 years will depart by this fall.

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1 na na na na na na na na hey hey hey goodbye

Posted by: Jane at June 15, 2006 11:25 AM (wZLWV)

2 I sense KKKarl Rove's fine Italian hand in this...

Posted by: Cassandra at June 15, 2006 12:05 PM (eKdAq)

3 Good.

Posted by: Richmond at June 15, 2006 01:41 PM (e8QFP)

4 Oh that is fantastic. Woo hoo!

Posted by: annika at June 15, 2006 09:17 PM (fxTDF)

5 What's the frequency, Kenneth??!

Posted by: Paul Burgess at June 16, 2006 04:18 AM (7EVyU)

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Way too many links to Klingon Language Sites from Harvey.

* Bij is the Klingon word for pain

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Most of you probably have seen this story about the ring tone that supposedly only teens can hear.

It's an ultra-high frequency tone, around 17-18 kHz, and most adults lose the ability to distinguish such tones as we age and the hair cells in our inner ears are damaged, either from getting older, or excess exposure to loud noises, including music.  Teens, however, should be able to hear it just fine...

As can most dogs and cats....

Anyway, Steve-O has the link here.  Turn up the volume and click the player.  I can hear it just fine, thanks, as annoying as it is.

Trust me, any of the little f*ckers show up in my class with that, I will own their cell phone for the rest of the day.

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About the ladies of the Cotillion!

Check out 30 things about each of these brilliant ladies, as compiled by Cassandra

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After the recent rash of local bear-in-swimming-pool stories, I bet some people would be happy to have Jack the Tabby around:

A black bear got more than it bargained for after straying into a family garden in the US state of New Jersey.

The unwelcome intruder was forced up a tree - twice - by the family pet, a tabby cat called Jack.

The terrified bear was only able to make its escape when owner Donna Dickey called the hissing cat into the house.

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According to news reports, Zarqawi lived 52 minutes after the bombing.

So I'm wondering, what were the commercials like?  And what took him so long to croak?

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... and the first hurricane warning of the season:

An oldie but a goodie, the Piper-Kitty Scale

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For this week's Cotillion, some of your favorite conservative ladies will tell you a little about themselves:

1. What time did you get up this morning?  8:30 AM
2. Diamonds or pearls?  Both, dahlink.  Diamond ring and bracelet, pearl necklace and earrings
3. What was the last film you saw at the movie house? The Chronicles of Narnia
4. What is your favorite TV show?
Currently on? House, Ever? The Pretender
5. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing yet.  Probably will have some cold pizza, though.
6. What is your middle name?  Bitch
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Armenian
8. What foods do you dislike? Brussel Sprouts, Olives, Canned Tuna, Sweet Pickles, Anchovies
9. What kind of car do you drive? a Ford Escape
10. Favorite Sandwich? Monte Cristo, no powdered sugar
11. What characteristic do you despise? Arrogance
12. Favorite item of clothing? My jeans!
13. If you could go anywhere in the world for a holiday where would you go? New Zealand
14. What color is your bathroom? White and blue, with Winnie the Pooh accents
15. Favorite brand of clothing? Any brand that fits.
16. Where would you like to retire? California's Central Coast
17. Favorite time of the day? Evening
18. What was your most memorable birthday? My 17th.  My friends threw me a surprise party.
19. Where were you born? Fresno, CA
20. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey and Football
21. What are you wearing right now? Jammies
22. What star sign are you? Scorpio
23. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide with Bleach
24. Pepsi or Coke? Dr. Pepper
25. Are you a morning person or a night owl? NIGHT OWL. What is this morning of which you speak?
26. What is your shoe size? 9.5 wide
27. Do you have any pets? The Princess
28. Any new exciting news you\'d like to share with your readers? I have a cold.
29. What did you want to be when you were little? a Radiologist.
30. What are you meant to be doing today? Working. I took a sick day.

For more about me, see my Eleventy-One things about me page here.

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1 Hope you're feeling better soon, CTgirl...I'm taking a couple days next week; my back is in rough shape!

Posted by: Lisa W. at June 09, 2006 11:13 AM (4fWxq)

2 feel better

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at June 09, 2006 12:26 PM (yHahS)

3 Dr Pepper?! You're dead to me. ;-) (Seriously, though, get well soon.)

Posted by: Dave J at June 10, 2006 09:29 AM (dR46A)

4 And I loooooove your middle name... heh.

Posted by: Richmond at June 14, 2006 02:33 PM (e8QFP)

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So, here are some more funny kitties!

h/t Rosemary

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Claws + Screen = OUCH

But the kitty seems to be enjoying himself!

h/t Dean

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Or why bathing the dogs is more trouble than it's worth.  4 little dogs (one blind) vs one woman and a bottle of wine....

Complete with funny illustrations!

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